This is dedicated to the one I love(d)...

It's funny how many times in the past year or two I've said, "So much has happened since this time last year!" or some variation on that theme.

But really, kind of a lot has happened since this time last year.

And I was all ready to have some kind of breakdown today...but it hasn't happened. Now, granted, I am not yet in bed trying to sleep, which is usually when my attacks of the vapours (or whatever you want to call them) show up. But so far, so good...sanity, or my version of it, is still intact thus far.

For a while, I pictured this post as much more rant-y and rave-y...me railing against the man who "done me wrong" on this, the day that started it all fifteen years ago. But truthfully, I think I've wasted enough time on that kind of thing lately and I find that in the end, I'm really no better off for it. I mean sure, who can't use a good bitch session now and again, even if you have not been recently dumped for a twinkie fifteen years your junior? Thing is, it took two of us fucked-up people to fuck up our relationship and no matter how it ended, neither the affair nor the shit he did in the last 8 months of our "marriage" had anything to do with the people with whom we did those things.

The person I loved, the person I married is gone. And making me leave was really the best thing he could have done for me (although, no matter what he tries to tell our friends, I do NOT believe this is WHY he did it and if he had any balls, he could have found a better way...but I digress) because otherwise, I would have likely spent the rest of my life trying to make up to him something that was not nearly entirely my fault. Something that he was never going to forgive me for anyway as it would mean coming to terms with his part in it and letting go of his precious emotional crutches. It would have amounted to a further waste of both of our time and I'm glad he finally let me in on that secret. I still believe (sucker that I am) that had we both been willing to try HARD at the same time, we might have been able to come out the other side with something worth the effort but that is a moot point now as the time for that has certainly passed us by.

This is the first of a bunch of anniversaries and important days in the upcoming months but I believe it's the only one I will commemorate here. Because I really am trying to move on with my life. And I think a big part of that is getting over dwelling on the past and regretting stuff that's done and over...and finally forgiving myself.

Happy no-longer anniversary, Jack...I hope you can finally find what you're looking for.