Makes you think...

My mom sent me this email the other night:

"Subject: My Friend.
Just a note to let you know that O. passed away yesterday Oct. 11, 2005, at about 10:30 in the morning. He died very peacefully and that is what I have been praying for so I'm very much at peace myself. His son from Bermuda, who is a wonderful person, did not make it here in time for pretty much anything. The prayers at the Mosque or the actual burial as O. had to be buried before sundown of the day he passed away. It was so upsetting to come back to A.'s house to find him alone and hysterical up in his father's room. He was wearing his father's robe, and had splashed O.'s cologne all over himself and was sobbing so heart-breakingly that my heart actually hurt. I'm praying for him because he really needs consolation right now. A. is quite at peace as well as she honoured his wishes to die at home..."

I sat here with tears streaming down my face...not because I knew the man because I'd only met him a couple of times (although he seemed like a very nice man) and not really because he had died (he had inoperable lung cancer so that was inevitable but I'm glad he was able to die as he wanted; at home and in the arms of the woman he loved, while he slept); it was the subject line and the stuff about his son that got me. The simplicity of the label "my friend" is very nice in this context. And it was very easy for me to put myself in the son's shoes (though I didn't want to stay there long)...my dad is going to be 70 soon and he isn't in the best health. The idea of anything happening to him is bad enough but if something did and for some reason I missed out on saying goodbye and seeing him one last time, I believe I would be inconsolable.
Then, of course, I started thinking about things you haven't said to people or relationships you haven't quite worked out and what happens if you never get another chance...
I still can't quite shake the feeling that many people in my life don't *really* know me (my parents and siblings included); I've put up a lot of walls to make sure that's so, I guess, but now I seem to be finding them kind of confining. As I figure more stuff out about myself, I realise that my childhood was not exactly as idyllic as I'd always remembered it (nothing drastic). My parents are wonderful people and I love them and they love me (though not quite as much as they love my brother and sister...a belief I was unaware I held until recently). But many subtle things were off that helped shape me into who I am today and heavily (though mostly unconsciously) influenced my actions over the years. I guess I ended up with a lot of holes inside (which I only "discovered" in response to a personal crisis that came to a head about three months ago) and I spent a lot of time doing self-destructive things, trying to fill them.
A lot of this might seem pretty standard to those who have been more reflective but for someone whose best interests have been served by seeing only what she's wanted to for *many* years, this is pretty fascinating stuff! The death of someone loosely associated with my family has reminded me of my hope that I'll get the chance to straighten out what I can with those who are closest to me before anything final happens to any of them...or to me, for that matter. I'd prefer not to have any MORE regrets, if I can help it...

And now, back to your regularly scheduled porn! :oD

Post #2...so there, Lone! :oP

It's about that time...

I have been inspired, both by viewing other people's blogs and by recent events in my life, to finally join the gazillion others who keep this kind of on-line diary. No guarantees that I will have anything interesting to say but I'm going to try to lead a more reflected-upon existance from here on and that would seem to require some kind of documentation, so here I am! I'm new to the technical side of things so anyone who stumbles across this will just have bear with me while I figger it all out... ;o)