Don't Cry...

Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside
I've been there before
Somethin's changin' inside you
And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby

And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
And please remember that I never lied
And please remember how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

-Guns 'N Roses

My day...

So, you wanna know what sucks the most about this situation? Okay, actually, it is nowhere NEAR what sucks the most but anyway...
I had a shitty day at work today...got yelled at by the boss for several stupid things and coming on the heels of everything else that's been going on, I was not in good shape. But to make it shittier? G/f was having a crisis with her bird and needed Hubby's help...fine, I get it. Turns out birdie is fine...sooooooo, while I stay home cooking dinner, they trek off to run some errands and stuff.
And here I sit, alone, brooding about my day and typing away to...no one.

Fuck.

And so it goes...

I'm actually feeling *a little* better today.
I went back to work yesterday after being off since last Wednesday with a back/hip issue...that was NOT a good day. Hubby and g/f were home alone all day and all I could think about was the situation...what it is...what it isn't anymore. It was depressing and horrible and there was a period of time where I was pretty sure I was going to have to talk to my doctor about stress-leave because I could NOT concentrate. Keep in mind, however, that I was also running on emotion and caffeine and not much more than that since I did NOT sleep a whole big bunch over the weekend (and really not properly or consistently for a couple of weeks before that).
Anyway, last night was also horrible...H and I had yet another confrontation/discussion. See, as anyone who has read this thing over the past while knows, we just bought this condo and $12K worth of shit to fill it up...effectively trapping us here as we can't sell it yet and we can't afford for a real trial separation, involving separate habitation. He moved into the second bedroom officially last night with g/f (platonically...as naive as it sounds, he tells me it's so and if we are to have ANY chance, I have to believe what he says), which SUCKS. It's the only way of creating any space at all, given the circumstances, and that's what we need right now.
So, it's been a little better today...H went back to work and he called to apologize about the fight last night and ask me to give him time. Which I will...I don't have any choice really. He assures me that after working out his own stuff, working out our marriage is still a priority for him, so I have some hope. And maybe that's why it's better...maybe I'm starting to come to terms with the situation and my place in it. He will either deal with what I did, forgive me and we will move on or he won't and we won't. But I have decided that I will get through this no matter which way it turns out...I will try to let go of my fear and deal with my own issues. And I will do what he's asked me and be patient and give him space to work on his.
Because I do owe him that much...
And I do still love him.

And in the blink of an eye...

We're separated.

One Thing...

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It's nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know

I don't want to know

Yeah I guess I know

I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something

Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something

-Finger Eleven

Over and Over...

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

-Three Days Grace

How I Spent My Summer, The Untold Story...

I was going to do this as a second installment in my Fairy Tale-themed-posts-about-my-life "series" but I don't have it in me right now. It has been a very long week (and several very complicated months before that) and I can't spare any energy on creativity, such as it would have been.
Girlfriend from the pics below has been living with us for a week today...she's moved here from the East coast to start her new life. She's staying with us until she can get a job and secure a place for her and Fiance to live, then he will move up and we will part ways...at least as roommates. And actually, that really isn't the problem...although at various times since June, I have thought it was.
You've seen the pics, right? She's 20 and she's lovely...she's also troubled, with a horrible past and many things in common with hubby. They connect in a way that we apparently don't, even though he and I are soulmates. Anyway, I have had some issues with self-esteem and feeling inadequate over the three or so months since Hubby and I first discussed "playing" with her. I have always been all for the idea of us with someone else...long ago, it was probably for the wrong reasons but I believe I have worked through a lot of that and when this came up, I thought that H and I were solid enough to try what I figured would be a relatively low-risk encounter. Turns out, by the time we were discussing this, we were already past the point of no return...
Now, I wander around our beautiful new home (the place we bought together to solidify our new start) and I feel like a guest...or an intruder. G/f has been going to work with H (because she is having trouble dealing with the move and being away from her family and many other things she's going through right now), so they leave for work together, they come home together, they go to bed together. And I'm right there, but they both seem so far away from me; I always feel completely alone. I have been trying to not make this all about me...because that's what I do. But H has said some things over this time that he now says were not true...him saying it does not make them FEEL any less true though; some things are really difficult to un-hear. He now says it's him, not me...some kind of early mid-life crisis maybe, or the fact that he hasn't properly dealt with his Grandfather's death.
So, I'm trying to just be here for him, trying to let go of my own fear of abandonment, of rejection, of being the "odd man out" but it's hard to get past the ache in my chest and the inability to breathe. It's sort of a Karmic joke really...I am led to understand just HOW much I love and need him by a situation in which I am absolutely powerless to do anything about it. I know I deserve this, and more, but it's just so hard.

After everything we went through last year, for the first time, I was able to say that I was really happy...I wish I had known it was going to have such a limited shelf-life so I could have appreciated it more.

I wish we could just go back to May, when I loved him and I KNEW he loved me and everything was right in our world...

**Edit: Please note that the opinions expressed above are those of the writer at the specific time they were typed. They may no longer be valid now...or now...or even now. They are based on emotions which have been in constant motion for quite a while and so are transitory, at best...**
Also, did I mention that there is something wrong with my back, causing me to additionally be in a bunch of PHYSICAL pain? Yeah, so anyway...please feel free to change stations to something less Fucking Bleah™ (with thanks to Dzer for the expression)!