A Meme...(thought I'd go a different way today)

Stolen from Dzer:

Describe...
1. Yourself: Separated
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): Free
3. Your hair: Fine
4. Your mother: Complicated
5. Your father: Sad
6. Your favorite item: Cats
7. Your dream last night: Torturous (dreamt Hubby was reversing his "snip" so he could pursue having kids with G/f and mocking me with the fact...what do ya think that means?! lol)
8. Your favorite drink: Mocha
9. Your dream car: Viper
10. The room you are in: Office
11. Your ex: Not (yet)
12. Your fear: Rejection
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Happy
14. Who you hung out with last night: Hubby
15. What You're Not: Defeated
16. Muffins: Cupcakes
17. One of your wish list items: Peace
18. Time: Flying
19. The last thing you did: Ate
20. What you are wearing: Undies (among other things!) ;o)
21. Your favorite weather: Balmy
22. Your favorite book: Stand (The)
23. The last thing you ate: Soup (chicken noodle)
24. Your life: Chaotic
25. Your mood: Depressed
26. Your best friend: Sis
27. What are you thinking about right now? Family
28. Your car: Fourteen
29. What are you doing at the moment? Working (not!)
30. Your summer: Pivotal
31. Your relationship status: New
32. What is on your TV (computer monitor)? Blog
33. What is the weather like? Unseasonable
34. When is the last time you laughed? Immemorial

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

I'm sitting here at work at 7:22 a.m. and there isn't another soul in the building... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. WHY am I at work so early, you might ask? And you would be right to ask...I'm not exactly the early-bird type, after all. My car is in the shop for a mystery "Check Engine" light so I had to catch a ride in with hubby...only he has to be at work for 7:30 and it takes him about an hour to get there! That means our heroine was up at 5:45...A.M.! Bleah!

So, I signed my lease on Saturday...I am the proud tenant of a little one bedroom basement apartment in a nice, new neighbourhood about twenty minutes from work (although it's probably more like ten minutes THIS early!). My dear friend took some pics of the place so once I get it painted, I'll try to post some before and after shots of it.
It's funny how you can be feeling so many things all at once. I'm sad, no doubt about that; this is, one way or another, the end of an era in my life. Nothing will ever be the same. But at the same time, I'm actually excited...this will be MY place and no one else's and that is a foreign concept to me. Even when I was a kid, I always shared my room with my sister so I've never had a space that was JUST MINE. And I need to do this...35 is relatively old for finally spreading your wings and finding out if you can fly on your own, but better late than never, right?
But I'm scared too. Scared that this IS it for H and I...that he will discover he doesn't want or need me in his life. Which sounds stupid, after everything we've been through; it should be clear that NEITHER of us needs the other or the baggage that we bring with us...a fresh start is what's needed for both of us. I am still hoping, in a small place in my heart though, that we can find our separate ways out the other side of this and somehow meet up and go on together. Until then, we have our separate paths to follow.
And I'm scared about what I will find out there for myself...can I make it on my own? Can I forge a life for myself, by myself? More importantly, can I make it a life that I am HAPPY to be living? Or will I be the pathetic cat lady, living in the basement...lonely and all alone, but for her feline companions?
Or what if I decide I LIKE being alone...that I don't want to be married anymore? Talk about your identity crisis...

Anyway, to all the ladies/gents who have walked this path before me, either recently or not, I salute you for the journey you undertook. And dammit, I'm proud of me for having the balls to do this...even given what I've said above. I AM doing the right thing (for both H and I) and I was the one who had the courage to say it and do it; to stop the hurting and fighting and ruining any chance we might have of ever being friends, much less anything else. I haven't done much right in the last 15 years...but this time, I know that I am. I hope this means I have grown and am already on my way to being more of the person I want to be. I think it does; a year and a half ago, I could not have made this choice...indeed, I did not and looking back, I probably should have. Hell, I SHOULD have done it 9 years before THAT instead of taking the "easy" way and annihilating the one person I loved more than anyone...

So, wish me luck...and stay tuned. Because it's going to be a brave new world here at Moonspells' Place and you're all invited to take a front row seat to see the show! ;o)

Happy belated blog-iversary to me...

I noticed that with everything going on, I missed my one year anniversay of blogging...it was Oct. 8th, in case anyone's keeping track...no, me neither...
SO much has happened...I wouldn't know where to start. Instead, you're going to get the "Coles Notes" version (for all the other Canucks, 'cause I don't think the U.S. has Coles bookstores, although I'm sure an Amurican version exists...I just don't know what they're called!). I'll start with now and go back a bit because it's easier to remember...
I'm moving out. We aren't involving a lawyer (yet), so we'll call it a trial separation...but to give you some idea of the seriousness, I may very well have to sign a one year lease. Whatever you want to call it, we aren't fooling around...
Oh yeah, except he WAS. Not that this is a surprise to anyone (even me), but from the time we got back from his grandfather's funeral until Girlfriend got here on Sept. 14th, they thought they were in love. His plan, and I've SEEN the emails so I know firsthand, was not to leave me but to carry on behind my back...maybe throw me a threesome periodically so I wouldn't freak out, you know, that kind of thing. Sound a little familiar? Yeah, to me too...but HE doesn't want to hear anything about the similarities between what he was doing and what I did for 9 years. It's completely different...because mine was for 9 years! BUT, it's okay, you see, because when G/f DID get here they changed their minds...or decided that it wasn't LOVE, at any rate. So, that makes it all better, right? No, I don't really think so either...
The thing is, he doesn't care. He's decided that among the MANY other things he's dealing with, he has not forgiven me or dealt with his anger about the affair, like he said he had almost a year and a half ago. Right now, he is so f*cked up, so LOST, that our entire 15 years together means nothing (or at least not much) to him...honestly, I don't even recognise the man I have known in him at all. The situation has gone to places (and beyond, frankly) that I would have SWORN we were not capable of going before this all started.
So, I suggested that I move out on my own. It accomplishes a couple of things: 1) I get to find out if I'm staying only because I'm afraid to be alone (because I never have been...never lived alone and haven't been without a significant other since I was 17), 2) he finds out the same thing and, 3) it gives us both time to figure out if too much damage has been done on either side for us to consider getting back together. G/f is going to stay (since her relationship is f*cked up too and since she now needs a place to live until at least June 2007) and pay rent so that we don't have to sell the condo and legally separate (yet)...I'm taking the cats with me.
And don't get me wrong, I KNOW exactly how absolutely F*CKED this ALL is...I'm living it, remember. But I am making an appointment with a lawyer for a consultation BEFORE I move out so he can caution me on all the pitfalls of this new situation, most of which I've just outlined above...I know. I'm just not ready to admit defeat and make everything all tidy and legal...yet. I hope there is still enough left of "us" so we can both work through all of this sh*t and move on...together. If not, at least we will hopefully have been able to work through enough so that the proceedings will end up being less unpleasant than the last month and a half has been.
We were (are?) soulmates, you see. And I cannot give up on almost 15 years without at least trying everything to make it work...call me a fool, if you must. People called HIM that a year and a half ago when he stayed with me...somewhere, I still hope we can prove 'em all wrong.